I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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