he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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