Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
