I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
