you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize