apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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