My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
