I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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