I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Randomize
