Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
