Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
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