words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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