Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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