I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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