someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
