I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
