"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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