At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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