Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I want her autograph on my taint
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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