The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Don't EVER smell your tampon
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
