On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
she looked like the before picture.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Randomize
