There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
