worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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