last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize