i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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