o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
