mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
