The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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