Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
