Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
