legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
