I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
