her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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