I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
