Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
