Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
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