Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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