My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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