you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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