I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize