Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
you didnt know i had herpes?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Randomize
