Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
