I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Two words: blizzard sex
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
