I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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