So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
