Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
