I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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