You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
