did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
