So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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