You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
