My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
