I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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