Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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