How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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