it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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