I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
