I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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