he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
