I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
