You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
