you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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