If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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