Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
