last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
