my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
