At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
