My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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