U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
grandma shit on top of the toilet
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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