Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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