so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize